I somehow managed to pull myself out of bed at 4 p.m. after a morning of dry heaving and feeling sorry for myself so that I could bake chocolate chip cookies – and feel sorry for myself and write this post. I was having one of “those days”, scanning the pages of Expedia for a cheap flight home and waking my dad up at 4 a.m. for a pep talk. I am realizing how hard being away from home and traveling really is.
When I am home, I want to be away. When I am away, I want to be home. Like my dad said, I need to find balance. I need to remember why I chose this journey in the first place, find the things that make me happy and rid myself of the things that have been causing me so much stress. I need to remember I didn’t leave just to see how long I could stay away from home or to collect as many stamps in my passport as possible, like I am part of some big competition. I need to stop telling myself that being home is a bad thing. Whether I am sitting on my computer nursing a hangover feeling sorry for myself and trying to figure out my life here or there, I’m not doing what I want to be doing. If I am not happy I may as well be “not happy” at home where the rent is cheaper and the dinners are better.
I told my dad there is no way I am coming home. Why would I? So that I could work in the same place I did before I left? Come home and drive their cars again and live under their roof? No way, that’s the easy way. I cannot continue this circle – I need to finish this leg of my journey. I need to give myself credit for how far I have come and find the inspiration I have been seeking to continue on.
My problem is that instead of seeing myself as I am, where I am and all the obstacles I overcame and lessons I learned – I stay focused on the future. I do not give myself nearly enough credit for the risks I have taken and the small steps I make everyday towards the ultimate goal, whatever it is.
In the last three years I have recovered from a heartbreak I never thought I would get over and managed to salvage that relationship, find forgiveness and a really good friendship. I graduated university. I got two tattoo’s. I mended my relationship with my parents. I began writing and found my passion. I lived in Alberta for 7 months. I fell in love again and learned a whole bunch of things about my family, love life, my friendships and myself I wouldn’t have otherwise. I moved home and made some of the best girlfriends I could ever ask for. I left all the comforts of home and I backpacked an entire foreign country with my best friend. I am now living in Australia.
I need to take a step back for a second and realize all the amazing things I have done. I need to realize that every single thing I have done until this point took courage, I faced my fears! Every single day I am building my character and when I take myself out of the situation and look at my life as it is – I think I am beginning to like who I am becoming.
This whole “loving yourself” thing is a constant uphill battle; we always see the flaws, the distance between our goals and us and are constantly reminded that we aren’t there yet. But, if we look back and lay it all out on the table, we realize how far we have come and how close we really are. Loving yourself and who you are becoming is a lot easier when you learn to measure “success” and “growth” by your own terms, rather than what someone else tells us it is. Know you are loved and that wherever you are at this very moment is exactly where you should be and remember, when you need inspiration most – someone is finding inspiration in you.
Republished with permission from OneGirl.OneJourney.tumblr.com
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