I am in a relationship with a lady friend I met through online dating. We’ve been on about six dates over about two months. I started the “defining the relationship” conversation with her on our last date, since she brought up wanting to have sex. I’m fine with bringing our intimacy to that level, but she still wants to see other people. I didn’t push the topic too far, but I did let her know I needed a monogamous relationship. She sounds like she’s open to it, but isn’t there quite yet. She wants to “go with the flow.” Am I being unreasonable? Is this common?
I think people make the “defining the relationship” talk WAY scarier than it needs to be.
Have you seen all these “Miley Cyrus at the VMAs” Halloween costumes floating around the Internet? THAT shit is scary.
Telling someone you’re looking for stability in a romantic partner? Not so much.
It’s very brave, actually. Being honest early can really spare some emotional late-night blogging later on. So kudos to you! It sounds like you’ve served your feelings to this woman, and it’s her turn to volley back.
Your lady friend wanting to wait a bit to see how things play out could be the easiest way for her to say, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Last time I checked the “Step Off the Ledge Dictionary of Dating Terms,” “monogamy” and “going with the flow” were not synonyms.
… No, the “Step Off the Ledge Dictionary of Dating Terms,” is not real. But it’s my advice column, and you’re not the boss of me! Technically, no one is the boss of me; I work freelance. Am I the boss of me? God, that’s terrifying.
LET’S STAY ON TOPIC, SHALL WE?
One part of online dating I find pretty cool is that sites not based on the premise of hooking-up (your Grindrs and whatnot) necessitate going on an actual date! And you’ve been on six! Soon you’re gonna have to give her your letterman jacket and ask her father’s permission to get married!
It sounds like this woman is in the crossroad of old school romance and some made up sexual nonsense. Much like my fake dictionary, the playbook for hanging out and hooking-up isn’t a thing. So as for what’s “common” coming from anyone you want to date or sleep with, fuck if I know. And I’m genuinely sorry about that.
But YOU shouldn’t be sorry for standing by your sexual needs. If this girl is “going with the flow” as a placeholder for not being sure if she’s ready to call herself your girlfriend, it’s not really fair for her to keep you waiting for relationship status confirmation and potentially putting yourself in a position in which you feel uncomfortable. Nor would it be fair for you to make her commit before she’s ready, even if she wants to “commit” without clothing.
If your lady friend wants to date and/or have sex with other people, including you, you have to decide if being with her in any capacity is worth trying an open relationship. And, hey, BONUS: You get to open your dating side, too! Maybe meeting new people will help you decide if you’ve found what you’re looking for in girlfriend material with the woman you’ve been seeing. Or maybe you’ll meet someone who better aligns with your views on a relationship, and you and your lady friend will part ways.
Even if you’re fine being in a non-monogamous relationship, if it involves sex, you have to make sure you and your partner aren’t putting yourselves or any other person you have sexual contact with at risk. No one wants to be in an open relationship with HPV.