It looms over us every day of our lives. We know it’s there. Some people try to ignore it, put it in the back of their minds. However, it still comes and we can’t stop it from rearing its ugly head into our lives.
I’m speaking of the topic no one desires to talk of or think about, trying to forget it, but it comes out of nowhere. One day you’re enjoying tea with your partner and then out of nowhere they pass away.
Sometimes it comes with a warning and others you haven’t a clue why. It’s sad, depressing and absolutely disgusting. As much of we don’t want to talk about it, we have to. After all, it’s reality. You come into this world to live and die. How harsh and real, but it’s very truthful.
On almost a daily basis, I think about death. I try to imagine my life without my loved ones. At this point, I couldn’t picture my life without my parents. I mean, damn, they’ve been on this earth, right in front of me since I was born. I must face the nasty reality – one day, they won’t be here.
This gets me thinking. I must appreciate every day and enjoy the company of my loved ones. It gets hard sometimes since I’m the type to not appreciate something until it’s gone. My hope is I won’t do that when it comes to people in my life. You never truly know when someone will die.
My first experience with death happened when I was 11 years old. My 6-year-old cousin passed away from swallowing a pushpin. It was ruled an accidental death and I was petrified. I didn’t completely understand what happened. I mean, sure, I was in middle school, but I was still young. I thought he would come back. I wasn’t aware that the person was never coming back and staying underground, cold, brittle and hard. After that, I thought about death more than anything.
There have been times where I contemplated my own death. I began to think about how simple and easy death was. Literally, there were knives in my kitchen and one foul swoop to my heart could kill me. I didn’t give in. But, I must confess there was this one time about a year ago that I was so close to harming myself. I had to work that day and didn’t want to go. My thoughts went to my kitchen cabinet, where the knives were. I walked into the kitchen in almost tears and looked at the knives. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, but I was certainly close to performing this act. Everything would have ended. No more pursuing a career in magazine writing, no getting married, no having kids, no going on long car rides. That would be it and I’d didn’t want that. I talked myself out of it. No one knew and I wasn’t about to discuss this with anyone else. I was partially embarrassed and didn’t want to bring it up.
One of my favorite neighbors whom I grew up with was diagnosed with cancer a few years back. I had to endure her become weaker and weaker and I felt sick. I never spoke about my feelings though. I hide them. I expressed them through words instead of language. Every time I’d see her, she’d appear sicker and weaker.
The last time I saw her was when I gave her a photo of my then-boyfriend and I. I was in a rush that day because I had plans with my boyfriend too, so I only stayed over for a few minutes. That was the last time I ever saw her. At her funeral, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t talk about how I felt. I had to choke back the tears. I couldn’t show the whole world that I was a softy who was crying. I rarely cry in front of anyone and I wasn’t about do it there in front of my parents. I barely ate that day and sat in my room writing about the experience.
Death scares us all. We think about all of these precious moments with our loved ones and miss the person like crazy. I can’t even bear the thought of my close friends dying. I mean, I’m very realistic and know it will come, but how the hell am I going to deal with it. How will I go through that? How the hell will I cope with the death?
With so many thoughts running through my mind that I can barely keep up, I think about this topic with open eyes. I used to think “Why do we build relationships with others if we’re all destined to die one day?” I mean, what’s the point? It wouldn’t hurt as much if you don’t have anyone. It would be a very lonely life, but you wouldn’t have to grieve when a loved one’s passes away because you don’t have anyone, right? It’s so true, but who would like to live such a lonely life with no memories to show for it?
I can’t tell you how much I think about things – mostly death of course. How could you not though?
Whenever I bring up this topic in front of my parents, they hate it and wish to talk about something else. Why avoid the subject when it will happen to all of us? You need to deal with it though. It’s the truth.
I think it is important we talk about this subject and don’t keep it a secret. If you’d like to, email – Hopeandlove89@gmail.com – I’m here for you.
If you or someone you know are struggling and need someone to talk, no matter what your problems are, call 1-800-273-TALK and you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.